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What is happening is that I have *real* software to do this task, but it's software I've been using for *20 years*. It is running on an OS that has been unsupported for over a decade on hardware that hasn't been manufactured for even longer. It is still occasionally possible to find NIB hardware on eBay – which is how I've made it this far – but at this point the batteries in those boxes are a decade old. It's amazing I've made it this far.

Yall. The software back then was SO MUCH BETTER than the software today.